I Didn’t Want To Live Anymore

I’ve been holding back telling this story in a dark part of my life for years. Other men might be feeling or have felt the same way. Men are five time’s more likely to commit suicide than women. And since I know there are Muslim men out there that have considered it or even live in depression due to various circumstances, It’s time to tell the story

I took the picture above of myself. It was the day I had decided to end it all. I wanted people to see my last image. I wanted to show the world how broken I was. I was literally minutes away from killing myself. Just by looking in my eyes, you can tell I gave up on life. This happened many many years ago

My whole life turned upside down when I got a divorce. The laughter in the house from my kids was gone. The aroma of dinner cooking in the kitchen was gone. When I came home to my house, it was empty. I was completely alone in every sense.

I stayed in this existence, if you want to call it an existence for months. Trying to make myself feel better by ignoring it and telling myself that eventually I’ll be ok and somehow my life would “level out” and go back to some sort of normalcy. It didn’t...

I didn’t know how to heal. I was told by everyone since I was a child to “man up” or to “be a man”. How was I to man up or be a man if I was broken? So i internalized all my feelings, grew more angry, worked out, and spiraled down life’s rabbit hole deeper and deeper

One day I decided that I needed to remove myself from the environment I was in and move close to my kids. I made a few calls and a friend I’ve known for years told me that there was a job waiting for me close to my kids. I sold everything and got in my car and drove hundreds of miles to my kids

Long story short, there was no job, the “friends” flaked out on me, and I was financially bleeding to death. I put in applications everywhere but couldn’t find a job anywhere. I can’t lie, I panicked and didn’t know what to do. Enter the “Long Wolf” persona that I had adopted my whole life. A real man had to do EVERYTHING by himself or I wasn’t a man! Wrong, so painfully wrong.

Not a soul on earth knew what I was going through. No one knew I lived in a hotel. No one knew I didn’t have a job. I moved in secrecy and silence cause I had to do this by myself.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I can remember how I felt. I remember the fabric of the hotel bed comforter. I remember the look of the hotel desk man. I remember everything. I paid for my last night in the hotel and after that, I was broke. I wouldn’t have a dollar to my name. I woke up in the morning, packed my car, and headed out knowing that I would be homeless for the first time in my life.

I called every “friend” I had. I called every application I ever put out. I went to the Masjid to ask for work. I did everything humanly possible to alleviate the position I found myself in. Nothing happened…

I prayed Isha in the Masjid and walked out to my car. Ya Allah, this is where I will sleep tonight? Has it come to this? Still dealing with the emptiness of divorce, not seeing my kids, and now being homeless, I wasn’t in a good place in any aspect of my life.

I got in the passenger seat of my car, took off my shoes, and curled up in a cheap comforter I got at a swap meet. I can’t lie, I broke down in tears. I was completely broken. I was at the bottom. It couldn’t get any worse, right? Wrong…

The temperature dropped in the coming days and it started to snow. I couldn’t sleep and had to wake up three times a night to turn my car on to turn the heat on. This took a toll on my mental and physical health. I got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore

Kill myself? What? Never. It’s haram! No way. What if I made someone kill me? Then it wouldn’t be suicide, right? I had decided to do SBC (Suicide By Cop).If I called the police and said I was going to kill myself, and then pointed a fake gun at them, they would kill me and I’d be put out of my misery. Yeah, that will work

I called my mother and said my goodbye’s, as i explained why I was doing it without pausing to hear her crying and pleading for me to not do it and that she loved me. She screamed, “Please son!!! Don’t do this!! You will kill me!!! I was set and just wanted the pain to end. I said to her as I hung up, Sorry mom, you did your best, but the world fucked me up. My last words to her were, I’m leaving

Within two minutes my step dad called me up and explained he felt the same way when the same thing happened to him. He said, you can do whatever you want, but just promise me you will hear me out for two minutes, OK? Right when he said that, three police cars pulled up in front of me. I was relieved, here was my ticket to death. I had my step dad talking to me in one ear and the police talking to me on their speakers in the other ear

With my step dad still on the phone, I got out of my car and stood defiantly at the front of my car with my hand in my pocket as if I had a weapon. The police called out, “Please don’t do this! My son killed himself two years ago! Please don’t make me do this!”

My step dad heard the police and said to my mother, “The police are there, they are about to shoot him”. My mother screamed. I will never forget her painful scream. After all, I was her only child. I looked up at the sky and it’s silver clouds. I inhaled deeply the pacific northwestern air, and looked around for the last moments of my life

A little girl across the street said to her Dad that was watching the whole thing, “Daddy, I don’t want that man to get hurt”. It stopped me in my tracks. Ali, what would your kids say if they were looking? You will hurt them by ending your life! You are hurt so you will hurt everyone that ever cared about you? Oh my god, have I turned into a coward? I thought to myself, “Fuck this”.

I called out, “I’m unarmed”, as I showed my hands. I heard my mother cry out over the phone as my hands were in the air, “Thank you, God”. They approached me, cuffed and detained me, and I sat in the back on their car. My step father, a four star general at the time in the United States Marine Core, had a brief talk with them and amazingly the event went on without imprisonment or charge. I talked with my step dad extensively after that and got my life on track

Even as I type this, I can’t believe that was me. I have totally changed my life for the better. The days that came after this, the beginnings of The Stronghold of Sultans (Then known as The Revival of Man), became a project on myself. Wow, that was almost 20 years ago…How things change. How things can change if you endure the trials of life

There is a man out there reading this that has gone through this. This is for you. You can reach out to other men or family. This Lone Wolf personification is all a bullshit lie. Iron sharpens iron. Men build men. This is one of the reasons I formed The Stronghold of Sultans and The War Council. You don’t have to go through this all alone. You CAN express your sadness, shortcomings, and any other things you have going on with your life

There is more to this story, but that is for another day. I still struggled after that day. I still lived in my car for 10 months. I still woke up three times a night to warm up my car or cool it in the summer. I still barely got by each day. But, it got better when I surrounded myself with good friends, let the others go, and started to heal myself and walk the road to becoming an exceptional man

If there are other men out there that need help. If you feel alone in life without direction or a way out, join The War Council. We got your back and have the men and tools to get you on the road to recovery and greatness. Press the War Council button for more details

If you are or someone you know is at the breaking point, reach out for help brother. There is no shame in it. Below are numbers where you can reach out to people in real time. Your life has value and this is NOT the end of your story. Allah loves you and wants to forgive you. Don’t walk alone in life my brother.

For instant help, reach out to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988. You will be connected to someone instantly. I wish you all the best brother. I love you man…



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