I’d like to share my experiences when I got divorced
After the normal shock, self judgement, and overall sadness that comes with it. I went through all the emotions. Relief that it was over. Sadness cause of what we had lost. Anger, which I think is ego related. Add to that, a touch of doubt in myself if I was even a good enough man and husband.
Yeah I went through the blame game. I think we all do that. If she wouldn’t have blah blah blah. She was so blah blah and that’s why we blah blah. I went through the thoughts of, wow, I’ve been divorced a couple times now, is my life over? Will anyone even consider me as a worthy man to marry? Man, I went through it
Let me save you the time and pain…
I finally go to the point where I said, Ok Ali, enough, STOP!
I grabbed a notebook and a pen, sat down at my dining room table, and wrote out all of the things I fell short in the marriage. I wrote down all the mistakes I made. I examined MYSELF and wrote it down. Why should I spend time looking at her mistakes when she is gone and I can’t change her? Man, it’s done, it’s over! But I CAN change me
I have to admit, I looked at the list of my shortcomings and what I should have done better in my marriage, and felt embarrassed. No wonder she had enough of me, it was clear. I wouldn’t have wanted to stay with me either. Long story short, I had a lot of work to do
So I got to work and stayed away from some key things as well that some men fall in to.
1. Looking for that rebound girl, whether it was a haram relationship, or just rolling into other marriage quickly before fixing my inconsistencies and shortcomings. If you feel hurt, less than a man, or have trauma lingering from your divorce, childhood, or parents, you have no right to even look for a wife
2. Turn to substances. Yes, we are Muslims, but we are also humans that sin, so we have to have this conversation. Whether it weed, alcohol, or prescription meds, this is obviously a temporary feeling. It does the opposite of what a man needs at this time, CLARITY, FOCUS, REFLECTION
3. Porn. Porn is a matter of the heart. It is also a matter of making a man “feel” relieved as he gets that dopamine shot. But as time goes on, it can warp his mentality of healthy sex and also lead to erectile disfunction. Don’t be shy even as a Muslim to have this problem, many do. Join the Porn addiction space and get on the road to recovery
Things to definitely do
1. Get in the gym. A great way to get in shape and get that substitute dopamine dose that you get from porn, is to get active in the gym or in a sport. Guys, our bodies were made to move, so move it. The word here is, CONSISTENCY. Usually when you hear the Rocky theme song, you are about to fail and burn out. If you are not accustomed to working out or exercise, then start by walking 15 minutes. Do 5 push ups. You get my point, do anything but nothing.
2. Hang out with good friends. Emphasis on GOOD FRIENDS. Why hang out with men that aren’t on a mission of improvement in all the quadrants of life? Be with people that are smarter, wiser, and stronger than you. Get OUT of your house and IN to your life. No, your life isn’t over. This one really helped me out as I totally went into cave mode the first two weeks. It sucked…
3. Network with everyone. I cant stress this enough. Men are not talkers, I know. But we have to be. There is so much to learn from people out there. Go out of your way a little more. Talk to the guy in the Masjid sitting in the corner and ask about his life and what he is doing with it
4. Intellectual/Spiritual mission. This should be an everyday thing. Personally, whenever Allah has given me a test in life, if I just focus on the pain of the test and not the wisdom of the test, Allah just gives me the same test later in life until I STOP and reflect on the wisdom. Get closer to Allah. Commuting to work? Let that commute time be a time of a valuable podcast to learn from. A time to listen to a video on how to build shelving in your house or whatever. If Allah swears by time in the Quran, then why do we waste it so much?
5. Forgive yourself and others. Divorce for me was embarrassing. I was embarrassed by how I conducted myself and how it all ended. I had to forgive myself, forgive others, and fix myself. Life isn’t over. We made our mistakes, and must now fix them to be the best man, father, and husbands we can be
After about 3 months, I began to like who I was again after not liking who I was for many years. Slowly, I began to realize that I still had value as a man, father, and future husband. It’s a process, a slow process, but a process we all need after divorce or separation
The main thing divorce made me think about is preparation of marriage. I see it all the time. What should I look for in a man/woman? When should I get married? What red flags should I look for in a man/woman? Well, you might be the red flag yourself. Instead of asking what you should look for and when you should get married. You should first ask, am I worthy of marriage? Do I understand what it to be married? Emotionally, financially, physically, legally, ect.
We spend so much time worrying about other people instead of worrying about ourselves and what WE can offer in marriage. If I asked any of you, Do you want a low value woman or a high value woman? Everyone will say, high value, right? Well here’s the thing, You have to be a high value man to attract a high value woman. This is why it’s so important to work on ourselves FIRST
I wish you all the best on your recovery and new life that is sure to be great!
